Title : but in the end...
Authour : sushisama (sbolce@esper.com)
Warnings : Shounen-ai / yaoi content : Kaworu x Shinji.
Lemon warning (my first one ever, too).
Spoilers for the latter part of the series.
Disclaimer : Shinkseiki Evangelion is copyrighted to Gainax /
Project Eva. The song is “In the
End” by Linkin Park.
Notes : This is my first songfic. Don’t
ask why, but every time I listen to this song, I think of Kaworu and Shinji’s
short relationship with one another. *
shrugs *
Something new! : All right, friends, I’m going to vent a little before
you read. Hope you don’t mind.
I’m just sick of all the flames I get for this fic, and how pathetic
they are. You flamers seem to be
missing the point of fanfiction: I really could care less what the creator said,
if Shinji and Kaworu were gay or not. That
is not the point of writing this fic. My
point with it is what I would’ve liked to see.
I accept that it didn’t happen, and thought the series was better
without it anyway. And if I had
written it to be like in the anime, what would be the point?
Why bother writing anything at all?
I will not take something that has already been written and rewrite it
exactly as it has already been stated. That
is not what writing fanfics is about. So,
please, turn away now if you do not agree with the subject matter in this fic.
If you do not like the idea of two guys being together, or Shinji and
Kaworu being together, well, then just don’t read. It’s that simple. Just
don’t flame if you do read, because it was your choice to, and I
have no desire to read your lame tauntings.
Either that, or get your head out of your ass long enough to read the fic
for its value and not the content. If
you flame me, please do it on how it’s written.
I like criticism. And for those of you who just want to read this fic because
you like yaoi or whatever, I’m sorry you had to read this.
It was just really starting to bug me, and I had to say something
about it. Continue on!
^_^
/
/ = thoughts
::*~~*::
It starts with one.../
Shinji looked over the newly-formed lake, watching the shades of oranges,
reds, and yellows as the sun rose. It
was at times like these that the Eva pilot wished he could paint. He wanted to capture the sunrise and its reflection in the
lake with paints and canvas. It
would have given him something to do, something to distract his worried mind.
Something to help him run away, if only briefly.
...one thing / I don’t know why /
doesn’t even matter how hard you try.../
He wanted to play his cello. That was the equivalent of painting to him. However, his cello was back at Misato’s apartment. He did not want to go there. Not now.
Not with Asuka missing; Misato depressed and distant; and his new-found knowledge of Ayanami Rei’s origins. Too much to handle. Too much to bare.
...keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme to explain in due time.../
Misato had tried comforting him: but why did she bother? She was the one who needed the comfort, not he.
/ But now, it seems, / Shinji thought, / so do I. /
Shinji’s thoughts were interrupted when a faint humming started close by. He listened closely, identifying the song as Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’. How could anyone be joyous in this day and age?
...all I know / time is a valuable thing /
watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.../
He listened for a moment, his mind filling with the angelic voice of the hummer.
“Singing feels so wonderful...” Shinji turned to the speaker. On the edge of a rock, a boy around his age, with silver hair, pale skin, and eyes like that of Rei’s, sat.
The boy turned to him, his eyes closed and a grin on his face. “Don’t you agree?”
...watch it count down to the end of the day /
the clock ticks life away.../
Shinji felt his cheeks flush. “Yeah... It helps relieve the soul.”
“You look like you need some relieving yourself,” the strange boy replied, his smile never fading.
The dark-haired pilot blushed, thinking of what the boy could have been
implying. He then kicked himself
mentally for such perverse though. Especially
those of another male.
...it’s so unreal.../
“My name is Nagisa Kaworu.”
Shinji found himself staring into Kaworu’s red eyes, emotions he had only felt once or twice around Asuka or Rei, boiling in the back of his mind.
/ Why am I blushing? This is what I do when I think of Asuka and Rei. Does that mean I...? Oh, God... /
“You’re Ikari Shinji,
correct?”
...didn’t look out below / watching the time go right out the window.../
“Tadashii, Nagisa-san,” Shinji squeaked. He covered his mouth, embarrassed at the sound of his maturing voice.
Kaworu giggled – / giggle? / – at him. “Please, call me Kaworu, Ikari-san.”
“Then, call me Shinji.” He could still feel that his cheeks were warm. “How do you know my name?”
“I am the Fifth Children.”
...trying to hold’ on / but didn’t even know /
I wasted it all just to.../
Shinji put his earbuds on and began listening to his music player. The song he had selected was the one he had running through his mind since that morning: ‘Ode to Joy.’
A smile graced the teenager’s face, as thoughts of the strange, pale boy he had recently met filled his head.
/ I felt so strange around him... / He remembered that beautiful smile... His amazing eyes... How soft his lips looked...
A pang struck him in his gut. / There’s that strange feeling again. I wonder what it means? /
He was started from his thought pattern as he heard the gate open and shut. He looked up, removing his earphones as he did so, watching the pale, red-eyed pilot approach him.
“You aren’t waiting for me, are you?” Kaworu asked, smiling.
“Umm, well... I...” Shinji stuttered, his cheeks turning red for the second time since that morning. / Why do I blush...? I act like a love-sick girl. Oh, God... /
Kaworu chuckled at Shinji’s embarrassment. “So, what do you do now?”
“Huh?”
“I want to spend more time with you,” Kaworu bluntly said. The pang hit Shinji’s stomach again at the thought of being with the new pilot some more.
“I normally take a shower and then go home.” He paused, a solemn look coming to his blue eyes. “But, these days, I don’t really feel like going home...”
“Ah, but it is a good thing to even have such a place as to call ‘home’ to begin with,” Kaworu said wisely.
“I don’t think there is really a ‘home’ for me anymore.”
Kaworu frowned, a look of genuine
concern etched on his delicate features. The
expression soon vanquished as Kaworu smiled once more, compassion in his eyes.
“Why don’t we go take a shower and talk some more?
I’m sure it will help you to feel better, even the slightest bit.”
...watch you go.../
Shinji kept his eyes focused on the shower-room floor, afraid of what reaction he might have if he saw Kaworu in the buff. He was glad for the steam in the room, hoping it was preventing the silver-haired beauty from noticing how flushed he was.
“May I wash your back?” The words were spoken softly into his ear. Shinji shivered as Kaworu put his ghostly white hands on his shoulders. / Such a warm touch... /
Shinji hadn’t realized he had nodded until he felt a cloth sweeping over his shoulders. Maybe he hadn’t nodded? Maybe Kaworu just started without permission?
Not that Shinji minded...
...I kept everything inside / and even though I tried.../
The dark-haired pilot sunk back into the other’s touch, feeling himself beginning to relax. Once Kaworu was done, his white arms snaked around Shinji’s shoulders, crossing in front of his chest. The pale boy pulled his surprised companion closer, resting his chin on the other’s shoulder.
“K-kaworu?” Shinji stammered.
“Hmm? Does this bother you?”
...it all fell
apart.../
Shinji pulled away from Kaworu and sat stiffly, picking up a sponge and started to finish washing up, pretending as though nothing happened. His eyes focused on nothing in particular, not looking up at the concerned boy sitting next to him.
Kaworu sighed, a frown coming to
his face for the second time that day. He
sat against the back of the bench, he himself finishing washing.
...what it meant to me / will eventually /
be a memory / of a time when.../
The lights in the bath shut off, leaving the only light in the room coming from the large screen stationed in the front of the room, peaceful images of flowers, mountains, and the like being shown.
The two young boys sat in silence, as they had since Shinji pulled away from Kaworu.
/ Why did I push him away? Am I afraid to be close to him because he’s a guy? Or is it that I just don’t want to be rejected again? /
Shinji started when he felt a hand be placed on his own. It tightened, as if in a desperate attempt to not to let go.
The 01 pilot turned to face
Kaworu, blue eyes meeting crimson. The
silver-haired teen was smiling, though his eyes showed his worry.
...I tried so hard /
and got so far.../
/ He holds on so tightly – a reassurance by far – and I fear his rejection? Baka... /
Shinji entwined his fingers
between Kaworu’s pale ones, and gave his hand a small squeeze. Kaworu’s
worried eyes began to fade to delight, his smile becoming a small grin.
...but in the end /
it doesn’t even matter.../
“It’s time to go,” Shinji managed to whisper, finally noticing the lights had gone out.
“To go?” Kaworu mimicked, moving closer to the pilot.
“Yeah, to bed.”
“With me?” Kaworu inquired
innocently.
...I had to fall /
to lose it all.../
“Ne!?” Shinji exclaimed, turning a bright shade of red once more.
Kaworu snickered. “Are you that afraid of human contact, Shinji-kun?” He lowered his face to his companion’s, stopping centimeters from him. He stared straight into Shinji’s blue eyes, a flicker of emotion – / what? Compassion? Pity? ... love? / – behind those red orbs.
/ So close... /
Shinji could feel Kaworu’s warm breath mixing with his.
/ Is he going to take the initiative?
Or should I...? /
...but in the end /
it doesn’t even matter./
Kaworu smirked and leaned back. Shinji kicked himself mentally for letting such an opportune chance slide by.
“Do you think that being ignorant of others will keep you from pain? If you are not close to others, you cannot be betrayed?” Kaworu paused in his string of wise words, as if thinking of how to word what he was going to say next. “You have such a fragile heart, Shinji. For that, you have my sympathy.”
Shinji gave him a puzzled look. “Eh?”
“I mean, I love you.”
one thing.../
Shinji lay on the floor of Kaworu’s tiny apartment, staring at the ceiling. Next to him, Kaworu rested on the bed. Shinji listened to his friend’s soft breathing, believing the other had fallen asleep. Something inside of him hoped not, though; he wanted to speak with the beauty more.
“You know, I should be the one on the floor,” Kaworu spoke through the silence.
“No, I asked to be here, I should take the floor,” Shinji said, defensively. No need to burden him...
After a moment of silence, Kaworu once again spoke up; “Was there something you wanted to tell me?”
“Huh?”
“Isn’t there something you want me to hear?”
Shinji thought.
What was it he could tell Kaworu? /
Anything, / he thought in the back of his mind.
...I don’t know why /
doesn’t even
matter how hard you try... /
“I’ve gone through so much since I got here. Before, I was at my teacher’s house.” Shinji let out a sigh. “Those were boring days. All I did was exist. But I didn’t mind. I really had nothing to do.”
“Do you dislike people?”
Again, Shinji paused in thought.
“I don’t really care about people, either way.”
After a hesitant break, he added, “But I hate my father.”
...keep that in mind.../
/ Why did I just tell Kaworu-kun
that? /
...I designed this rhyme /
to remind myself how.../
Shinji turned to the bed,
wondering if Kaworu had fallen asleep during his monologue. He was surprised to find Kaworu’s crimson eyes watching him
meaningfully, he usual smile in place. “I
think I was bourn just to might you, Ikari Shinji.”
...I tried so hard.../
The blue-eyed youth blushed for what felt like the hundredth time that day. “Why do you say that to me, Kaworu-kun? Why do you always say such wonderful things to me?”
“Because I mean them.”
...in spite of the way you were mocking me.../
“You’re not being serious, right?” Shinji looked to the ceiling once more. “No one ever means such things to me...”
The covers on the bed rustled,
followed by the rustling of the futon covers.
Shinji looked to the side, meeting Kaworu’s smiling face.
“Then,” he whispered, inching closer to Shinji.
“I guess I’ll be the lucky first, huh?”
...acting like
I was part of your property.../
Before Shinji could even blink,
Kaworu’s lips were pressed against his. Kaworu’s
arms wrapped around Shinji’s torso, pulling him close.
...remembering
all the times you fought with me.../
Shinji began a conflict within
himself, wondering if he should push the boy away, or loose himself in the
embrace of the other.
...I’m
surprised it got so far.../
Kaworu pulled away, looking a little disappointed. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, unwrapping his arms from around Shinji.
Feeling that he might be loosing the only decent thing that would ever cross his path, Shinji tangled his arms around Kaworu’s neck, pulling the silver-haired teen into another kiss. Though startled by Shinji’s sudden action, Kaworu was more than happy to return the kiss, deepening it.
Kaworu ran his tongue over Shinji’s lips, asking for permission for entrance. Shinji opened his mouth, more than eager to oblige to the request. Their tongues began to duel in each other’s mouths, as Kaworu slide his hands underneath Shinji’s shirt. He rubbed his hands over the Japanese boy’s chest, caressing the smooth muscles. His fingers found a hardening nipple and squeezed it, gently.
Shinji pulled back from the other, moaning as Kaworu continued to play with his nipples. His breathing became faster. He slipped his fingers into the silver spikes of Kaworu’s hair, as he initiated another kiss.
The passionate kiss was broken as
Kaworu began his attention on Shinji’s neck.
His pale hands came from out from under the other’s shirt and moved to
the front of it, unbuttoning the white over-shirt of the school uniform.
Shinji lifted himself off the futon, allowing Kaworu to fully remove the
shirt, soon followed by the blue tee-shirt underneath it.
Once Kaworu was done, Shinji followed suit, removing both over-shirt and
blue-tee for him.
...things /
aren’t the way they were before.../
Kaworu gave Shinji a quick kiss on the lips then lowered his mouth to his neck, trailing kisses along the way. Suddenly, a thought hit Shinji’s mind:
/ Didn’t I just meet this guy this morning? /
Shinji’s whole body froze up at the sudden revelation. He pulled away from Kaworu quickly, a look of shook in his eyes as he stared at the silver-haired boy.
Kaworu’s eyes went wide with surprise at Shinji’s actions. “Shinji-kun? What is it? What’s wrong?”
Shinji sat up, never turning his
widened eyes from Kaworu’s red ones. “Kaworu...
We.. We just met this morning! Don’t you think this is too fast?”
...you
wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.../
Kaworu gave Shinji a comforting
smile as he inched closer to him. He
wrapped his lithe arms about the other’s form and pulled him close.
“Do you think it’s too fast, Shinji-kun?
Because we can stop right here. I
won’t be offended...”
...not that
you knew me back then.../
Shinji stayed stiff in Kaworu’s arms momentarily, then wrapped his own around the pale boy. “I don’t know, Kaworu. I don’t know what I want.” He nuzzled into Kaworu’s neck. “I mean, you say you love me, but we just met. I don’t even know how I feel about you.”
Kaworu gave the boy in his arms a small, reassuring squeeze. “Do you regret what we’ve done so far?”
The 01 pilot hesitated. “No, I don’t.”
“Then, let’s keep it that way.
If you want, we can just go to sleep now.
I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, Shinji.”
...but it all
comes back to me.../
Shinji thought about this for a few minutes. Stop here? They hadn’t gone so far yet – nothing had to be ‘finished’. But did he really want to end it here? Something inside told him that this might be his only chance with anyone, and that he shouldn’t miss it, especially with someone that had said they loved him.
“No, I don’t want to stop,
Kaworu,” Shinji whispered, smiling.
...in the end.../
Soon, they were both naked, their breathing heavy from heavy petting and kissing. Kaworu was straddling Shinji’s hips, the two boys caught in a deep, passionate kiss.
“Kaworu...” Shinji panted through the kiss, pulling back a few centimeters.
“Yeah?”
“I...” Shinji’s eyes filled with nervousness briefly, then became assured of himself. “I want you to make love to me.”
Kaworu smiled down at his now-lover. “I’d love to, Shinji.”
They met in another passionate kiss, then pulled away, readjusting themselves so that Shinji was now in Kaworu’s lap. Kaworu raised two of his fingers to the other’s lips, and Shinji took them into his mouth, licking them, and coating them with his saliva.
Once that task was done, Kaworu lifted Shinji’s hips up some, pressing his fingers gently to the dark-haired boy’s opening.
“You know that this might hurt,
right, Shinji?” Kaworu inquired, some concern in his eyes.
...you kept
everything inside.../
“I don’t care. It’s worth the pain.”
Kaworu smiled. “Okay, then. Ready?”
Shinji nodded.
...and even though I tried.../
Kaworu inserted one finger into Shinji’s tight opening. In an instant, Shinji was clinging to his lover’s pale shoulders, his face buried into his neck, a wince upon his face. His breathing was fast and shallow.
“Shh, it’s okay...” Kaworu began to stroke Shinji’s hair with his free hand. “Just relax, alright? That’ll make it better. Just relax...”
Kaworu waited until Shinji’s breathing slowed a bit, then began to move his finger in and out. Soon Shinji’s pain was subsided to a mix between that and pleasure. He let out a loud moan, moving his hips in time with Kaworu’s thrusts, wanting more. Kaworu inserted another finger, making Shinji release a carnal cry.
He spent a few more moments stretching his lover, then removed his fingers. He lifted Shinji once more and readied him over his waiting arousal.
“Shinji, ready?” Kaworu asked softly into his ear.
Shinji pulled away from Kaworu’s
neck, and met the other’s eyes. He
leaned in and gave the silver-haired beauty a deep kiss.
Once he pulled back, he whispered, “I’m ready.”
...it all fell apart.../
Kaworu pushed down on Shinji’s hips, slowly pushing himself inside the blue-eyed youth. Shinji buried his face into the curve of his lover’s neck again, willing himself to relax. He adjusted his legs so that they were wrapped around Kaworu’s back, his arms wrapped around his neck, his fingers tangled in the silver mess of hair.
Once Kaworu was all the way in, he pulled out so that only the tip of his penis remained inside Shinji, then went back in. He continued such thrusts, getting faster with each. Eventually Shinji joined in the rhythm, meeting Kaworu’s thrusts mid-way.
Once the pace had quickened, Shinji pulled away from Kaworu’s neck and began giving him deep kisses in between panting and moaning out his name.
“Shinji-kun...” The voiced seemed so far off to him, like it was mixed in with a cloud of pleasure. “I love you...”
The second the words were spoken, Shinji could feel a place being struck inside that made flashes of colour flash before his eyes, a new, evolved form of ecstasy being found. When Kaworu had noticed the reaction, he began to angle his thrusts so that he hit that spot for his love each time.
After what seemed like eternity – but still to short of time for Shinji – they both came at the same time, hollowing out one-another’s name.
They fell onto the futon, panting heavily, clinging to one another. Once they caught their breaths, they cuddled into each other’s embrace ready to fall asleep.
“Kaworu?” Shinji breathed, almost too quiet to be heard.
“Yes?”
“I love you, too.”
...what it meant to me / will eventually /
be a memory / of a time when... /
The next morning, the light from the rising sun poured through the tiny apartment’s one window, directly into Shinji’s face, waking him. He grumbled and rolled over, wanting to bury his head into Kaworu’s chest, in order to block out the obnoxious ray.
He sat up in alarm when he realized no one was next to him.
...I tried so hard... /
/ Was it just my imagination? / He
gazed around the room – yes, he was still in Kaworu’s apartment.
But what about what happened? /
Did I only dream of him? /
...and got so far... /
A soreness hit Shinji in his
bottom. Despite the dull pain, he
smiled. He laid down on his back,
glad that the night before wasn’t just a dream.
He let out a sigh of contempt.
...but in the end... /
“Shinji-kun, are you awake?”
Shinji sat up once more and turned to the source of the words. He grinned at his pale lover, nodding.
Kaworu was shirtless, but had his pants on. He was just outside the bathroom door, approaching the futon. He smiled down at the 01 pilot on the floor. “Are you hungry?”
“Yeah.”
...it
doesn’t even matter... /
Though the apartment was rather small, it still had three separate rooms – a bedroom, a bathroom, and a kitchen. Kaworu was in the kitchen, flipping pancakes for Shinji and he. Shinji was in the bedroom, getting his pants on, and trying to find his shirts.
“They’re on the chair next to the door, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu voiced, his head turned to his dark-haired lover, regular smile in place.
“Ah, thanks.”
He retrieved the garments from where Kaworu had said they were and pulled
them on. Once he was down, he
walked up behind the pale teen and wrapped his arms around his thin waist,
laying his cheek on his back.
...I had to
fall.../
Kaworu put his free hand on top of one of Shinji’s, putting the pancakes onto a plate with his other. “Hmm, you don’t remain timid very long, do you?” he chuckled.
Shinji blushed. “I wouldn’t know; I’ve never been in a situation like... this, before.”
Kaworu made a frown, which was
unseen the youth who was resting against his back. He thought of the situation and how long it would last.
/ Shinji, I’m so sorry it ends so soon... /
...to loose it all... /
“Breakfast’s ready,” Kaworu said softly, forcing his frown away. He turned around, throwing his arms around Shinji’s shoulders and leaning in for a passionate kiss.
When they pulled away, they were both smiling, though Shinji noticed a little bit of worry in the crimson of his love’s eyes. “Kaworu-kun, is something wrong?”
“Nothing, Shinji.
Let’s eat, okay?”
...but in the end... /
The two lovers lay on Kaworu’s bed, cuddled into one another’s arms, as their used dishes were soaking in the sink. Shinji nuzzled into his love’s neck, happy that he had decided to go to the lake yesterday morning. The last twenty-four hours with the silver-haired beauty had been the best moments he had since... ever, really. No one had actually said they loved him before...
“Kaworu,” Shinji voiced, his words muffled a little bit by Kaworu’s neck. “I love you.”
Kaworu pulled Shinji closer, his frown of worry on his face once more. He was glad that the teen in his arms could not see it, for it would only make him worry. He did not want Shinji to waste time with any sort of worrying, for this peaceful moment should not end in such a way. “I love you, too, Shinji.”
They remained silent for a moment. Then, Kaworu said, “You should go take a shower. We need to be leaving soon.”
“For Nerv?” Shinji inquired, pulling out of his lover’s arms a little.
“Yeah,” Kaworu replied,
sitting up. “I’ll finish with
the dishes and all. You just take a
warm shower, I’ll be here when you’re done.”
He leaned in for another kiss before heading off to the kitchen. Shinji got up and want to take his shower.
...it doesn’t even matter. /
When Shinji got out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel, he looked around for Kaworu, only to discover that he was gone. The apartment was cleaned, futon put up, kitchen spotless, but his pale boyfriend was no where in sight.
Shinji sighed. / I can’t believe he lied to me. It’s no big deal, though, right? I’ll just see him at Nerv... He can explain then. /
He went to the door, ready to slip his feet into his shoes, when he caught sight of a slip of paper next to them. He bent down and retrieved it, reading it as he did so:
‘Shinji –
I love you.’
As he read it, Shinji could hear
sirens going off. / An angel! /
He quickly slipped on his shoes and ran out the door.
I put my
trust... /
“NO! No! I won’t believe it!” Shinji yelled, slamming his fist onto the controls of his entry plug. “It can’t be true! He isn’t...!”
“Shinji,” Misato said over the intercom, her voice cold, “It is true. Accept it and destroy the target.”
“How can you refer to him just as a ‘target’?” Shinji hissed back at her. “He is a living thing, like us! He shouldn’t die!”
“He is an angel, Shinji! We must stop Third Impact. We do so by destroying angels. Kaworu is an angel, thus his death is justified.”
Shinji looked out the view port, waiting to make contact with 02 and Kaworu as he floated down towards them. “But...” He stared at Kaworu, tears threatening his eyes. “But it’s Kaworu... How can I kill you, Kaworu...?”
..in you.. /
When he caught up with the two, he was intercepted by 02. He pulled out his sonic knife, ready to battle, apologizing in his head to Asuka.
“Shinji-kun, you are late,”
Kaworu said softly, turning towards 01.
...pushed as far as I can go... /
“Kaworu-kun! You betrayed me!” Tears finally started to spill over Shinji’s eyes. He couldn’t help to keep them back at all – the pain he felt was too great. “Why!? Why did you do this to me!?”
“I’m sorry, Shinji, but this is the way it must be. I will not ask for forgiveness, for I deserve your hatred for this action.” Kaworu’s voice came softly and calmly, but his eyes had the worry in them that Shinji had seen all morning.
“Hate you?
How could I, Kaworu?” Shinji
sidetracked from their dialogue as he had to send strikes to 02.
He again apologized to the missing pilot in the back of his mind.
...for all this... /
As the Evas hit the ground, still fighting, Kaworu turned to 01, a frown on his lips. “I’m sorry, Shinji.”
“Kaworu-kun!” Shinji yelled, as he watched the angel float off to the door that lead to Central Dogma.
The door opened immediately for
him, and he continued his path to Adam. Shinji
tried to follow, but was caught by 02. He engaged in another fight, whispering curses harshly under
his breath. / How could you lie?
How could you do this to me!? Kaworu!
/
...there’s
only one thing you should know... /
Kaworu stared at the angel before him, ready to unite with it. But his eyes went wide, as he realized his mission was in vain – this was not Adam, but Lilith.
“Lilith? I understand... Lilim... Lilith...”
As he was making the discovery, he
heard the crashes of the two fighting Evas, and then one striking the ground.
He turned to face the scene, to see 01 standing over a broken 02.
Shinji approached him, as Kaworu just stood in mid-flight, waiting for
him.
...I put my trust... /
As 01 reached him, one of its massive arms came out and seized the lithe boy in his grasp. Shinji stared at his lover, betrayal and hurt in his eyes, amongst the tears.
“Kaworu... Why did you do this to me? Why did you build me up? In order to drop me?”
“You helped me to find what being a Lilim is about. I am grateful for such.”
“So you were just using me!?”
...pushed as far as I can go... /
“You misunderstand my words, Shinji,” Kaworu spoke, not even seeming to notice the hold he was in. “I was not ‘using’ you. The understanding of Lilim just came as an added bonus. I never asked for it.”
“Then what did you ask for?” Shinji said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “To find someone to be with for only one night?”
“Shinji-kun, this is not my place. I should have never bothered you. But, because of you, my life, though short, was worth living. And I want you to keep going – and the only way to do that is to kill me.”
“Kill...” Shinji repeated, his
voice choking up on him. “Kill
you...?”
...for all this... /
“Yes, please. I want you to live, Shinji, though you are without me. Will that not be hard if I’m still here, still with threat of the End? Please,” Kaworu pleaded, “kill me.”
Shinji stood still, his mind racing with thoughts of what would happen if he didn’t kill the angel, and if he did. He didn’t want to – but wasn’t that selfish? His happiness, for the end of the world?
“I don’t want to, Kaworu,” he whispered. “I don’t think I can...”
“Please, Shinji. You deserve life much more than I.”
Again, Shinji hesitated. His hand was on the control, ready to make the final blow. / Should I really destroy that of which has brought me so much happiness...? /
“Shinji, if anything, know this.
I love you. Regardless of
God’s will, no matter my mission or my reasons – I love you.”
...there’s only one thing you should know... /
The water spread away from the center, where Kaworu’s head had dropped. Blood was on the finger tops of 01, the pale boy’s body still with the grasp. Shinji was unmoving for minutes on end.
Finally, “Kaworu...” he
whispered to himself. “I love
you, too.”
I tried so hard... /
Shinji looked over the newly-formed lake, like he had the morning before. But this time, there would be no angelic humming. No new boy, smiling at him, knowing his name before he even knew the others. Never again...
“He said he loved me,” Shinji whispered to Misato, who was standing next to him. “Such beautiful words... No one has ever said them to me before.”
“He was probably lying, Shinji-kun. He was an angel, he was only coming to destroy us.”
“I don’t believe that,” he
said, fighting tears once more. “He
did love me, and I loved him. He
should have been the one to survive! Not
me. He deserved it more than
me...”
...and got so far... /
“Whoever deserves life is the
one with the will to live, Shinji. He
asked for death, therefore, he should not have survived,” Misato said
emotionlessly.
...but in the end... /
“You’re so cruel, Misato-san,” Shinji whispered, hiding his face in his crossed arms.
...it doesn’t even matter.../
Misato sighed. “I’ll see you at home, Shinji.” She paused. “You don’t have to come home, though. You could even stay at his place for the night. It wouldn’t offend me.” With that said, she turned away from the sight of her fallen godchild and began to walk back to her car.
...I had to fall.../
Once Shinji heard Misato’s car drive off, he let his tears flow freely.
“Kaworu... Kaworu...
Don’t be gone, I don’t want you gone...”
He hugged his knees close to his body, sobbing into his arms.
...to lose it all... /
He lifted his head so that he may look over the lake, the same shades of colours in the reflection as the night prior. But, when he looked at it for fifteen minutes without turning, he thought he could see angel wings fly through the mirrored image of nature.
He smiled, thinking of the moments he had spent with his love. Then it occurred to him – would he not see Kaworu in the end?
...but in the end... /
Yes, he would, he knew it. He would see Kaworu again. And the next time, he would not let the red-eyed angel go as easily.
“Until the end, Kaworu-kun... Until the end, I’ll live for you.”
...it doesn’t even matter.